“I’ll be getting stronger.”

I don’t mean to sound melodramatic, and I certainly am NOT looking for pity, when I just say, honestly, that this past year I have been kicked when I have already been ever so down. I have been laid pretty low.

And I have nightmares. That is a very personal thing to admit, but it’s true. (I erased that sentence four times before deciding to leave it.) I have bad dreams about the things and people who have hurt me. It is hard, and it makes me clench my teeth at night, so I have developed TMJ. Which in the scheme of things, is nothing; but a physically painful reminder of things I would like to forget.

I wrote a friend this morning when I woke up at 5am. “Why won’t they stop??” I asked.

I spoke to my husband over lunch and talked with him about it, too. “What do you think this is really about? Will they go away?”

But the main sentiment is that this past year has been traumatic, and trauma leads to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which is something that i have. And it takes awhile to get over. So I am working every single minute of every single day to get stronger.

And just now I decided to play some Sesame Street videos for my baby who never slows down enough to watch any kind of TV whatsoever (how did this person come out of ME?!?!?!?!) and I came across an old favorite that my daughter used to love;

Will.i.am. singing “What I am”

and as silly and as lame as it may sound, this song touched me. It gave me warm memories of my big girl being a baby; it stopped my son for 15 second intervals, as he watched and listened; I felt empowered by it’s message and I felt so glad that children would be taught the same.

And what I am is thoughtful
and what I am is musical
and what I am is smart
and what I am is brave
and what I am is helpful
and what I am is special
There’s nothing I can’t achieve.
Because in myself I believe in…

Gonna hold my head up high
Keep on reaching high

Never gonna stop
I’ll be getting stronger.

I hope you enjoy. Have a very happy, peaceful weekend. And be good to yourself. I insist.