FIrst snow. Second chance.

14 Nov

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So long had life together been that once
the snow began to fall, it seemed unending;
that, lest the flakes should make her eyelids wince,
I’d shield them with my hand, and they, pretending
not to believe that cherishing of eyes,
would beat against my palm like butterflies.

Joseph Brodsky

It is the first snowfall of the season.

All around me, online and at the store and in the carpool line, I hear people complaining, praying for a winter less snowy than the last.

But, the thing is, I don’t remember the snow last winter.

I had no idea that it was the second snowiest winter on record until my husband made an offhand comment, prompting me to ask him about it. He thought I was kidding. I had no recollection.

Last winter feels like a blur to me;

I have small, unpredictable moments that trigger a deep swell of emotion; Like when I hear “Love is an Open Door” from Frozen. Or when I take a sip of red wine.

Or when I light a fire.

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But last winter was the darkest time in my life.

And so this year, it is my goal to embrace everything. To light a fire on a weeknight, just because.

To organize fun holiday activities with my friends like cookie parties and pollyannas.

To not just get through this holiday season, but to embrace all of the joy and warmth that people are meant to embrace during this time.

I want to savor the smell of sage and nutmeg.

I want to drink cocoa every night.

I want to live.

I am so grateful for this second chance to make up for last year, when I spent Thanksgiving alone in a chair in the corner and Christmas week in the hospital with a sick baby.

So, I don’t care what anyone else says…

I say, bring on the snow.

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