Tag Archives: brett dennen

Could be a whole heck of a lot worse.

15 Dec

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Well, it may not be our thwarted big family trip to St. John, but I’m cozy, under a blanket, listening to my main man’s music,

working on THE NEW WEBSITE

and OMG do I have a story for you as my big premiere.

I literally could not make this stuff up.

Stay warm and stay tuned.

I’m gonna make you fall in love with Brett Dennen

8 Dec

if it’s the last thing I do. No, really. He’s so awesome.

And I can safely say he is my second favorite enormously tall, bespectacled redhead.

I just discovered this version of one of my favorite songs–one that we perform in my band–so I thought I’d share the love.

Heart emoji.

I just realized.

25 Nov

I am going to admit something difficult. Today has been a hard day.

My daughter finally got to go back to school, which is wonderful.

This is finally happening, which is also wonderful…

except that it means that they are currently jack-hammering the perimeter of an 1100 square foot basement. It’s a little loud.

So my son’s 2 hour morning nap was cut to 15 minutes.

I don’t like to bother my family and friends with my problems; I know that may seem surprising, as I am constantly talking about my incredible support system, but I desperately do not want to be self-involved or insensitive of their time or to worry them. I keep a lot in. But today, I felt like I could admit it. I spoke with my dear friend of over 13 years this morning about the crippling anxiety I was feeling. She guided me through some techniques to assuage the feelings.

And I told my mom, which is something that I have rarely done as of late. And she said that what I am feeling–this heaviness–is all because of what is coming up on Thursday. Thursday is Thanksgiving, for which I am more thankful than ever, but it is also the anniversary of a very troubled time in my life.

And then my mommom called to invite us to the mall and I wasn’t able to go because of the whole baby no-nap situation and she knew I was anxious and she said, “I am always just a phone call away. Although my fax machine broke this morning and I am so frustrated, I don’t know what to do.”

I assured her that I wouldn’t be faxing her with an SOS, so that she could take that off of her list of worries.

And then I texted with a special friend, a friend who gets me, because she sat on the floor with me all last winter, even through my darkest of times, as our babies rolled around and drooled on each other. And I told her that I felt as though I was unraveling. And she made it better.

And all of those things that I just wrote about are concrete examples of the incredible tribe that I have surrounding me.

But then I did the most important thing of all;

I picked up my son and looked into his eyes. I kissed his face and nuzzled him into my cheek and inhaled him so deeply.

“I love you, I love you, I love you.”

I asked him if he wanted a baba. “Baba!” he said.

My son, who is now learning to talk, and learning to walk, and dances when he hears music and squeals with glee over Lola and knows to pet her ever so gently and who understands everything we say; As I looked at him, I felt more love for him than I have ever felt for him before.

And then it hit me;

My daughter is, and has always been, so obviously my dream come true. She is named the name we chose 3 months into dating and that I chose when I was 10 years old. She is exactly like me in looks and personality. We are so bonded. She is my heart and soul.

But my son, my dear son

just may be the very best thing that has ever happened to me.

I looked over to the framed painting I made for him that hangs in the corner of his nursery.

Take me where the music’s playing

Get me on the dance floor, hold me a little closer.

And I swayed with my son, my lips to his cheek, and the deluge of memories of the past year poured over me.

He has taught me that I could overcome things that I never imagined I would be strong enough to endure.

He may drive me crazy with his “lively antics”, but oh my goodness, my son is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

He redefined me.

He has given me purpose.

He opened up parts of me that I didn’t know existed.

His first year was not filled with the magic and enchantment like it was with his sister.

He didn’t come out looking like me or acting in a way that I understood inherently.

But I now rock him to bed every night, and I look down at his sleeping face and I marvel at how he looks exactly the same as he did when they would place him next to me to nurse in the hospital bed.

This little ball of energy and activity and constant movement and craziness has saved me.

Remind me to thank him for it.

“I’ll be getting stronger.”

14 Nov

I don’t mean to sound melodramatic, and I certainly am NOT looking for pity, when I just say, honestly, that this past year I have been kicked when I have already been ever so down. I have been laid pretty low.

And I have nightmares. That is a very personal thing to admit, but it’s true. (I erased that sentence four times before deciding to leave it.) I have bad dreams about the things and people who have hurt me. It is hard, and it makes me clench my teeth at night, so I have developed TMJ. Which in the scheme of things, is nothing; but a physically painful reminder of things I would like to forget.

I wrote a friend this morning when I woke up at 5am. “Why won’t they stop??” I asked.

I spoke to my husband over lunch and talked with him about it, too. “What do you think this is really about? Will they go away?”

But the main sentiment is that this past year has been traumatic, and trauma leads to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which is something that i have. And it takes awhile to get over. So I am working every single minute of every single day to get stronger.

And just now I decided to play some Sesame Street videos for my baby who never slows down enough to watch any kind of TV whatsoever (how did this person come out of ME?!?!?!?!) and I came across an old favorite that my daughter used to love;

Will.i.am. singing “What I am”

and as silly and as lame as it may sound, this song touched me. It gave me warm memories of my big girl being a baby; it stopped my son for 15 second intervals, as he watched and listened; I felt empowered by it’s message and I felt so glad that children would be taught the same.

And what I am is thoughtful
and what I am is musical
and what I am is smart
and what I am is brave
and what I am is helpful
and what I am is special
There’s nothing I can’t achieve.
Because in myself I believe in…

Gonna hold my head up high
Keep on reaching high

Never gonna stop
I’ll be getting stronger.

I hope you enjoy. Have a very happy, peaceful weekend. And be good to yourself. I insist.

That’s my dog. (!!!!!!!)

21 May

photo-7Be still my heart.

Yes.

30 Apr

Today was another full day of soaking rain.

After I picked up my daughter at 1 we kept busy

drawing in the sunroom, building with Magnetic tiles from loving “aunts

and making a run to the drive-through for some donuts;

Vanilla with rainbow sprinkles.

But as four o’clock set in, and the rain continued to pelt mercilessly on our roof and at our windows,

I decided to capitalize on some time while both kids were playing and occupied to unload the dishwasher.

Halfway through my task, my daughter came racing into the kitchen.

“Mommy? Can we have a dance party? To my favorite, Brett Dennen?”

(She really said it like that.)

My dear girl,

the answer to that question was,

and will always be,

Yes.

And it looked a little something like this

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photo 3

photo 4

photo 2-3

photo 3-1photo 4-1And man, did it feel good.

Here comes the comeback kid…

7 Apr

Today, in the words of  my  most favorite, Brett Dennen, I felt as if “I’d never been laid so low”.

That may be a bit hyperbolic, but I was definitely feeling low; I got an unexpected putdown that kind of knocked the wind out of me.

And it’s been hard.

But I had to keep on living, and doing and fighting and being there for my family.

So just now, I was cleaning up the playroom, which was an absolute disaster after we had a Friday night late-night-neighborhood play-date, and I was putting away a bunch of Barbies into their special container when I spotted this:

photo-22A feather, in a place it just wasn’t supposed to be.

And that, and some loving and supportive words from family and friends have made me feel like I can come back.

So, Here comes the comeback

the kid is back

 back on track.

Everybody body loves a comeback.