There is this feeling inside of me and these thoughts that have been formulating in my head for a few weeks now; I have been trying to find the words. I talk so much on here about my son and my family and my struggles, but I have have been wanting to write about the gratitude–the immense gratefulness–that I feel for my daughter.
This is not a revelation; I started this site four and a half years ago to express such feelings, but lately I have just watched her in awe. Like last night, at Thanksgiving, when she got up in front of the room of 30 people, in a poofy striped skirt and Doc Martins, and sang 3 songs from Frozen like it wasn’t no thang.
I wrote in June about trying to be present in my precious time with my girl, and, more recently, about wanting to LIVE.
So every night at bedtime, I savor the one more minute that she begs for, because she is growing up and growing into herself, and there will be a time, someday, when I will be the one begging her for “just one more hug.”
Bedtime last week, she said, “You’re pretty mom. You look pretty when you’re sick. You’re pretty when you don’t feel well. You look pretty when you’re hurt. You look pretty when it’s your birthday. You just always look pretty.”
And my daughter is astute; I think that this was her way of saying “Mom, I know you’ve been a hot mess this past year, but I still think of you as my beautiful mother; I cherish you.”
And then there was two nights ago. Earlier in the day, as we were getting ready, I called her over to me and said, “Do you remember how I told you that you are my dream come true? Well, you’re better than anything I could have ever imagined in my dreams.”
“Awwwwww,” she said. “That’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.” She is a trip.
So at bedtime that night she said, “Mom, you are lucky to have me. But I am lucky to have you. And i love you so so so so much in my whole wide heart. And you are the best mom I’ve ever had. And when I was dreaming of having a mom, when I wished for you, I was a tiny baby and said ‘Wah Wah Wah, I want Rebecca Starr, Wah Wah Wah’ and you know what? I am so lucky because I got you and you are better than my dreams.”
It was her way of reciprocating. It was adorable. And it was more.
She and I don’t get a ton of solo time together anymore; Because I am staying at home with my son for the time being, he’s always kind of around (and he makes his presence known), so today I took my daughter out for a girl’s date.
First I let her pick out any necklace of mine to wear.
She went for ultra glam.
Can’t say I blame her, frankly.
Then we went to the nail salon and got manicures, side by side. This is a rare and special treat for us, and she must have looked over at me 20 times and smiled, a beaming, knowing smile.
And when we got into my car, instead of just heading home (as I had done 100% of the time we did any type of errand in the past year), I looked back at her and asked if she wanted to go out for ice cream.
We headed to a quaint ice cream shop and enjoyed rainbow cones and a really sweet conversation about all of the town’s landmarks. It was so cold outside, but it didn’t matter. It’s never too cold for rainbow ice cream.
It was delicious. Every moment was delicious.
When I am in the thick of things, and feel as though I am unraveling, or feel frustrated at my lack of progress in the past year, it is hard to see how far I have come. My friends and family tell me. My friend even called me on the day I had both kids home sick with me to say “What you are doing is hard for ANYONE. Look at what you are doing. You never could have done this at this time last year.”
And I had to admit, she was right.
But I have this incredible family, and the heart and soul of it is my beautiful, kind, spunky, vivacious, sensitive, sparkly daughter. And she is worth living for.
So from now on, my goal is to try to always make that extra stop. To turn an errand into a memory.
Because I have gotten a second chance,
and I have gotten a dream daughter.
And, I couldn’t make this up if I tried, she just came into the room where I am typing and said, “Mom, can I just snuggle with you for a little?” and so I am going to put the computer down, put my arms around her
and live.
mommy, ever after 