What makes it all worth it.

6 Nov

So, this is a tough week. I knew it would be, and it did not disappoint. I was haunted by ghosts, plagued by nightmares, and sometimes, I felt like I was drowning. It is hard for me to admit that in actual words, by the way–to confess that I feel weak and helpless and most especially that people who have hurt me continue to cause me pain. But, life moves on. And today, I spoke to a few different people about how this “anniversary” of sorts will get easier and easier as the years pass, and someday, perhaps, I won’t remember it at all. Because I will have so many good moments and important moments and milestones that I will know what happened in 2013/2014 intellectually, but it will no longer cause me this acute sort of stabbing pain.

Today I had some really interesting conversations and special moments.

I was able to confide in a dear friend as we talked about how motherhood can be very isolating and lonely. Just being able to say it to each other proves that neither of us are alone. She embodies companionship for me, and for that I am supremely grateful.

I was able to thank a new friend for being in my life, as we are building a bond that we both look forward to exploring and strengthening.

I texted with one of my main peeps (a best friend since first grade) and we talked about how much we love our children and each others’ children and how things are hard, but we are so lucky. And we were able to text each other about our own neuroses. And we get each other like no one else does.

And I received a tremendous amount of support this week, online, with phonecalls, emails, messages, comments and in every way possible, and I am so grateful. Thank you.

And if you asked me at 3:15 today how I was feeling (which my sister did via text) I replied, “Bad and good.”

Bad because I have some very difficult things that are right at the surface and I can’t seem to push them down and hide them under a rug. (Not even my new, fancy furry one by my fireplace.)

But I was also good. And not just good, I was really good. Because my kids and I were playing in the sunroom, as rain pelted down on the skylight above us, and I saw my daughter and my son making each other laugh and I felt grateful and joyful.

And as I type this, I find myself crying happy.

I am so fortunate

(by the way, I apologize for the rambling and poor writing; my dad actually asked me earlier this evening over the phone if I had “forgotten how to talk” because my brain doesn’t seem to be functioning properly. I think there’s a lot going on in there).

and what makes me feel good is that not only did I get to experience some special moments with my two happy, healthy kids today, but I actually was able to be present, and acknowledge, in the moment, just how at peace they made me feel and they reminded me how to be happy. I enjoyed life as it was happening, in real time. That is a gift.

photo-7

This afternoon, we made a family band,

(mostly percussion, with a little singing and a brief kazoo moment)

and I was bursting with love.

This site is not one where I try to make everything seem rosy. I think that is apparent. But I did take a lesson away from today, which is that although I may have bad moments, and bad weeks, and even bad years,

I also have so much, with incredible friends,

I mean incredible,

and a family whom I can count on endlessly,

and two kids, who laugh and kiss me and ask to hold my hand or to find the Barbie mermaid’s tiara

and shake some maracas with me when I am feeling low.

And that is what will get me through this,

and they are who make it all worth it.

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