When I peed on that stick–all I didn’t know, 2.0

23 Jun

When my daughter was just shy of 18 months old I wrote about all of the things that I didn’t know when I had first decided to become a mother.

How that list has grown.

Since that time I have learned about RSV and nebulizers,

I have learned about cheerios vs. puffs,

Disney Junior as opposed to Nick Junior…

the list is endless.

But I think that the greatest difference between then and now is that now I feel like a mom.
I feel like I can give advice and that it is worth taking.

I feel like a mom when I recommend specialist doctors to my friends;

I feel like a mom when I brush my daughter’s teeth and make sure to get every one clean;

I feel like a mom when my daughter is told she is different because of her glasses (way more on that story to come) and I assuage her pain;

I feel like a mom when I pick up my daughter from her first day of real camp,

or when I kiss other kids’ boo boos,

or when I act in a crisis.

I feel like a mom when I put the pacifier of the mouths of my best friends’ babies;

I feel like a mom when those friends call me and say “I just need to freak out to you for a second.” and they trust me with their secrets and fears and they actually care about my advice.

I feel like a mom when I know the correct dosage of Tylenol off the top of my head,

when I make up bedtime stories and when I sing “Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow” to my daughter as she starts her journey towards slumber.

When I peed on that first stick, I had no idea how far I would come in 4 and a half years. How we would celebrate triumphs and mourn losses and pound our fists at injustices.

I had no idea that I would look at outgrown baby clothing and cry wistfully,

or that I’d write a card to our dear friends baby and sign it “Aunt Becca” and “cry happy”.

I am now ensconced in the world of carpool lines and after school activities and making bottles with one hand…

Two lines.

Just two lines, the first two steps on the journey I would take to today.

Today when I put sunscreen on my daughter;

Today when I let my son crawl around the floor of a dressing room as I helped my friend to shop;

Today when I said yes to “just one more song”.

There is so much I didn’t know. There is so much that I don’t know.

But I know that being a mom has evolved and that I have grown with it.

Through it all, when feeling threadbare or frustrated or so tired that I can scarcely keep my eyes open,

I know that I have lived another day

during which time I have shown two babies incredible love. That I’ve doled out thousands of kisses. That I’ve cheered on my team.

That I’ve done my best.

When I look back on that post from so long ago, I see a young woman still trying to fit into her mom uniform; I see that though I was walking in the mom heels, I didn’t have the stride just right.

And believe you me, I still don’t have things down perfectly,

but now I feel like a real mother. I am not playing dress-up in mom clothing.

And because of it all,

because of every word I just wrote,

and because it is 6:30 and I have two children tucked securely into their beds (or crib, or what have you)

I feel like this is why I’m here. This is why I fought. I fought for this.

Best victory ever.

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One Response to “When I peed on that stick–all I didn’t know, 2.0”

  1. soulspacedecor June 25, 2014 at 4:29 am #

    So sweet. . . so true. . . I’m a mom of a 9 month old baby boy so I felt every word. . . Thanks for the post!

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