The hardest post I’ve ever written, Part 3.

24 Feb

Life works in amazing ways.

This is hardest part of the hardest post. And though I’ve been so overwhelmingly grateful for the outpouring of support, both publicly and privately, that I have received thus far, it is still hard to put all of these things into plain words.

This has been a life changing experience to me, and writing it makes it real. It also exposes me at my most vulnerable spot. My ability to be a mother. It is admitting to the world that I am not the person who you thought I was. And that is hard. So I started to doubt myself a bit.

But I received a sign.

In rushing to pick up my daughter from school, feed and change my son and tidy the house, I picked up a little jewelry box of my daughter’s. It jingled.

Inside I found this.

photo (82)penny from heaven, from the year we lost our matriarch. She is telling me to be brave. And so I shall.

So when I left off, my baby had a fever and we had to take him to the Emergency Room. There, they had to do a full septic work up, including drawing blood, catheterizing him and, worst of all, giving him a spinal tap. He was diagnosed with RSV, which presented itself in my daughter as a cold earlier in the week. While in the ER, out of sheer malnourishment and stress, I passed out. I had to be admitted as well. So my son and I spent a cold night in December in adjoining rooms of the Emergency Room, each hooked up to tubes and tests, each fighting.

My son needed Oxygen, and spent 4 days in the hospital. I needed help.

And that meant weaning my son and giving him formula. So in the hospital that night I gave him his first bottle. And I began to take the medicine I needed. And it began to work.

I am about to type the hardest thing that I have ever typed.

After my complicated C-Section, I was told that it is not safe for me to have any more kids. I can no longer have children. I am just shy of 29 years old.

Perhaps this was a catalyst for the deep depression that would consume me this winter. And perhaps it was a combination of things. But it breaks my heart.

I look at the time after having a baby as the most magical in existence…and I will never again experience that.

And I should be clear: I am so freakin’ lucky. I have two healthy children. I have a boy and a girl. I narrowly avoided a blood transfusion. My son got to come home from the hospital. I was fertile and was able to nurse two babies, one for 18 months, one for ten weeks.

But it is still something very painful for me, to be told that I am not in control of my own future, my own plans, my own body.

I am happy to say that while my story is not yet over, things are looking up. I no longer cringe when I see the container of formula. I look at my strong, moose of a baby and am thankful that he is fed and that we have the resources to feed him. I no longer look at life as hopeless. I have hope.

My days aren’t yet easy, but they are also not so bleak.

And I have seen who my real support system is, my incredibly family and the friends who have become that.

And I love my children. I am able to enjoy them again. There is some light back in my eyes. And I am working, clawing my way back to happy.

A good friend recently told me that his mother always told him that “This too shall pass”. And in my darkest days, I did not, could not believe that. But I believe it. I believe that I can laugh with my friends again. And snuggle my kids and feel that feeling of home and right once more.

So, though I don’t know what the future holds, I do know that, as my friend said,

This too shall pass.

And I am thankful for each day.

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2 Responses to “The hardest post I’ve ever written, Part 3.”

  1. Marlene Address February 24, 2014 at 5:40 pm #

    Becca – the tears are pouring out of my eyes as I read this. You are an incredible person and are very lucky to have a close knit supportive family. Things will start to look up for you and your beautiful family and each day will be brighter. Keep a stiff upper lip and just know that everybody loves you and supports you. Unfortunately, chemical inbalances are difficult to treat BUT there are medications that can help you. PLEASE if there is anything I can do to help you in any way do not hesitate to ask me – I will always be available to you! xoxoxoxo Marlene

  2. Steff Quinn February 24, 2014 at 9:41 pm #

    Hi Becca! I have always been a fan of this beautiful blog, but more importantly, I have always been a fan of you. This is something that the most extroverted and happy have experienced — myself included. I found a therapist just about 2 months after I had Grace – and graduated in November – but it was the best and scariest and most wonderful and most horrifying experience of my life. My post-partum anxiety and depression put me in a place I hope to never be again – but it passed.

    I wish the best for you – today, always, and forever. OXOX

    PS – And I LOVE your throw pillows. (I’m a blog stalker..I have one too! Irish Twins at the Quinns!)

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